Freckles_T

6 yrs and only 300 posts

2008-11-19T07:10:07Z

Am thinking of posting about dating in the silicon valley. A blog about a 28 year old single Chinese female who looks 12 years old but thinks like a 15 year old finding her way through the sludge. Maybe arriving at the conclusion that she simply has the "gift of singleness". Maybe settling. Or maybe finding someone.

What worries me is that I've never wanted to be with someone 4eva. Yes, I've wanted a scrabble opponent who I can later share grub and kisses with, but never reach the finish line with. I guess other lonelyhearts feel the same way. Not that I'm lonely, I like to think that I am happy-in-alone.

So, I guess I'll be doing a lil something of that blogging. Wish me luck.

freckles_t @ 2008-10-11T03:24:00

2008-10-11T10:25:04Z

I didn't get to do any of my real horn tooting because that came in the form of male companion options.

Or lack thereof (?!?!?).

And, oh crap, that was not digital underground! That was Freaks of the Industry. How could I be so wrong.

boys singing to tammy

2008-10-11T10:22:40Z

The subject title is a cassette tape title my sister once made me. When mixtapes were once the norm because CDs were yet to arrive. Nothing beats the static playing before, between and after tracks. Or that 'having to personally own the tape or wait forever for the song to play on 94.9'.

So, this entry is more for myself and my horn tooting, but I am at one of those lil crossroads. What to do. Do I...

A) Liquidate all my assets, including that '93 guitar I got off craigslist, and start anew in...say China.

B) Continue applying to those grad schools in educational policy in sf or nyc so that I can somehow meet new people and feel more comfortable in my skin ..or what I feel would be more comfortable because I may not know any better.

C) Buy a condo/townhouse and start thinking south bay long term and predictable (but-oh-so-safe-and-comfortable)

or D) Well this is what I do...so, YO, listen up (yeah digital underground, when tupac was once a backup dancer but is now drinking alize with biggie)

But really, I don't know. I'm not what is in a funk per se, but I feel antsy. What's a lil odd, but at the same time, very Tammy Logic, is that I think, there is this 'brightest possibility' Mrs. Teng thang that my mom continuously reminds me of. Because I've met this young man who will sing Jay Chou songs for me and the other night he told me that he would quote, Protect Me, unquote. So I'm not sure if I'm just at this, IS THIS IT??? stage. Or if I'm at where everyone arrives at but nobody talks about. That proverbial--you'll know when it's right, come face the truth and be forever happy with it...but nobody ever told you that there no angel that descends from heaven to tell you what to do. There is no fortune cookie message that tells me that I should follow A or B or C.

I just somehow have to stumble around blindly and hope for good-dumb luck.

This made my day (2 years ago)

2008-09-30T07:14:02Z

look what c found and emailed the link to me:

s.f. bayarea craigslist > south bay > missed connections > Angel at Santana Row - m4w
last modified: Sun, 24 Sep 18:23 PDT

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Angel at Santana Row - m4w - 19 (santa clara)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-211755024@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-09-24, 6:23PM PDT

I never thought a woman could have such a strong impact on me that i would post here, but here i am. i was walking down santana row with a friend of mine saturday night wiping my nose when something fell out of my pocket and you - the angel you are- told me i dropped it. it was fate, it had to be. i should've said something but you caught me in the middle of blowing my nose! too self conscious snot was hanging from my nose... i believe you went into blowfish, i went back about 30 minutes later to find you but it seems you and your friend left. you were so stunning and beautiful the way you saved my piece of paper. you will never see this, but just wanted to tell you you made my night so much more enjoyable, yet also the more regrettable. hope to see you again and talk.

no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Poopah! Wanted: One Order of Filet

2008-09-30T06:42:35Z

My roommate back in college used to take old bfs' toothbrushes and use them to scrub grim away. The toilet was always a good place to start. Scrub then toss. She's married now, with a baby girl in the oven, while I'm still employing her technique. Even worse, I was using the third toothbrush from the same guy. I'm hoping third's the charm.

What else?

I got part of my bottom incisor shaved off. H once told me my tooth had lost its way (even though I had braces before), so I got invisalign. Snaggletooth no more. But because I can be lazy, that same tooth has once again strayed. So my dentist did a lil shaving here and a lil shaving there then popped on another liner. So now I sit here with my third attempt. Third's the charm.

I am relearning that I can be both impulsive and impatient, and now that I think of it, goes hand in hand. I want my hand in another's hand...argh. Wouldn't openly admit it, but I used to scoff at women whose ovaries ached. But this past wkend, something odd happened to me. I looked at one of those crapfactories and felt something. What the h.

Not sure if this is wise of me, but I am having dinner tomorrow with someone that I think I had once hurt in the past. He had emailed me a wk ago even though we had lost touch for three years. My initial response was to not respond to his email because of the guilt I still carry. Long ago, he had showed up at my parents' place leaving his number on a post-it. When I had asked him why after all this time, he told me he wanted to get in touch because he had a dream where I somehow saved his life. Tall order. Then things got hairy. So now it's the third time around. Will I finally be able to successfully nurture a platonic relationship.

Will I find love? Will Dwight ever pull a fast one on Jim? Will I ever learn who the last cylon is?

But really, I'm curious about that first question. Where's my filet?

almost a year later

2008-07-07T05:12:00Z

I finally watched "My Blueberry Nights" tonight and did Wong Kar Wai pull through? Why he most certainly did.

Swirls of cigarette smoke? Check.
Cop? Check.
Unrequited love? Check.
Loneliness? Check.
Dramatic blond hair? Check.
Gambling? Check.
The same songs playing throughout the movie? Check.
Comforting a broken heart? Double Check.
A string of phone calls that are unsuccessful? Check.
A fast moving subway/train? Check.

The list goes on but the ending, unlike his other works, was actually v hopeful. I am lusting over Jude Law all over again. His longish hair and sentimental behavior are a lethal combo. That and how desperately he went about looking for the protagonist. Surprisingly, all that longing and waiting actually paid off which was a relief cause I feel like I'm sometimes hanging by a string. I'm not sure if I'm immature/naive or just a poor idealist but I'm hoping for someone to happen for me. So here's to that learning how to be alone crap. I'm hoping I don't need to go on a cross country adventure for one to do the self-discovery bit and that I can just do that in my own backyard.

And by the way, movies do not fill the mind of a girl with love mumbo jumbo.

happy mother's day

2008-04-23T07:33:48Z

Walked to the grocery store because I knew I could later blog about it and write how I did my part today.

I've driven on those few blocks countless times but never really took the time to look and take in my surroundings. Cars passed by. Saw a girl on a bike with a wire basket filled with bags and instantly dug her.

Noticed an elm tree and realized I hadn't consciously seen one in ages. The last one I noticed and loved grew in my childhood backyard. The tree was there before our house was even built, when our house was not a house but an old schoolyard. A couple years ago, the elm tree developed root rot, so it was stumped. Then dug out. My sister and I used to scrape our names into that tree and swing on its' branches. We found great pleasure in peeling it's bark like the pieces were scabs. Seeing an elm tree today made me more happy than I thought a silly tree could.

Anyhow, I've recently re-met someone who can supply that particular word I need to describe my thoughts. Y'know, where you're mid-sentence and then wondering "what's that word again?". Not only that, he can appreciate my choice in words. Realizing that I need that, made me more happy than I thought something as silly as knowing someone who knew the right things to say, would. If that made any sense.

I haven't updated publicly in awhile. I've learned to capitalize.

cheers to jk rowling

2007-10-20T23:21:44Z

i've known about the multiple and popular slash scenarios between harry potter characters...

...but this completely caught me off guard:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7053982.stm

watch out music execs

2007-10-02T06:02:14Z

this afternoon, my mouth literally fell open when i heard the way radiohead was revolutionizing the music industry. their new cd comes out october 10th at whatever price we, the listeners, want to cough up.

http://www.smh.com.au/news/biztech/fans-to-set-price-of-new-radiohead-album/2007/10/02/1191091044411.html

http://www.inrainbows.com/Store/Quickindex.html

freckles_t @ 2007-09-23T18:21:00

2007-09-24T01:34:19Z

this past friday night made my month. arcade fire pulled through.

not only because i got to hear "cold wind" live, it was the chance to sway and clap in public without feeling ridiculous. i also got to run in place and move erratically while the music played. and the best part was "doo-doo-ah"ing with a crowd of strangers in tune with the vocals.

a jokingly described it as a spiritual experience of epic proportions. i'd say she was right.

and the conversation was awesome cause it gave me a diff perspective and a new mantra. am going to try to put this memory on lock down because it would be a shame to forget it. sometimes they feel so far and few in between.

boys singing to tammy

2007-09-13T02:23:05Z

save for aimee mann, i've never gone to a concert where a female sang to me. maybe it's cause i want a real life one that sings on demand. i'm holding out for one that sings mandarin jay chou songs.

my first concert was back in jr high and at a (much loved at the time) michael w. smith gathering. big stadium, blue lights, hoards of people yet i felt like he was singing to me. i was hooked!

next i was singing along with the hailey brothers and then crying to whiny voiced brian mcknight. and how could i forget hearing those first few chords to "it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday" in person??

after i got all the brown bear flavor i could, it was on to pasty faced boys. standing inches away from mraz and thinking 'was that extra shake in the hip dedicated to me?' fueled me for weeks. Was that lil smile on Jim Adkin's face directed at me? On an aside, it was awesome to see that small inconspicuous smile flash on his face every once in awhile. a smile that said in almost disbelief, wow i get to do what i love.

and there were the killers, adam duritz, brett dennen, damien rice and well, really not enough.

anyway, so in a couple weeks i'll be going to an arcade fire concert. keeping my fingers crossed that i'll get some eye contact from the tops of the shoreline amphitheatre. also hoping they'll play cold wind. cause seriously that would make my month.

it's not always about timing

2007-08-28T06:03:39Z

the first time i had heard hide and seek was when tiesto performed. i was with him up above watching the crowd.

couple weeks later i had turned to him and asked him what this song he loved was all about. and he responded honestly that he only knew the first two lines of the lyrics. so i went home, looked up the lyrics and i thought i had known what it was about and so i explained to him in the limited way that words can explain something.

but now i know i was wrong. i guess i had to be at a certain place to understand.

the song isn't about loss and it didn't occur ages ago. it's not about her suddenly waking up and dealing. she's not singing about mundane objects. it's not about her issues with the world. she's not in recovery mode. she doesn't get stronger. she's not.

it's about betrayal. it's about a third person.

and now all i'm left with is this song.

i'm addicted to instant noodles, push up bras, wine and staying up as late as i can

2007-08-16T09:03:19Z

to do list:

- undress the wine bottles of their labels. bottles have been waiting in a nice grid formation and their numbers have been growing exponentially cause of a certain someone

- Retake GREs (since my last scores are now expired...has it already been 5 years??)

- start weaning myself off shinramyun. it's good cause it has been deep fried and is made of fat, salt and bad carbs. oh and red powdered spices to appease the eyes.

- buy crickets, feed them, then feed to spike (who is my favorite bearded dragon who also happens to be the only bearded dragon i know).

- go to mall to return bras.

and in other news:

going through post harry potter depression. am on the constant lookout for other people who've completed the series so i can relive the moments through conversation. but that only goes so far.

have found a couple temporary subsitutes: battlestar galactica. it's so frackin' good. also reread the romantic movement and am on overdrive thinking about relationships in general. will post about that later.

tell me your interpretation of the movie ending, and i'll tell you who you are...

2007-08-13T08:02:48Z

...and whether you'd be right for me

an uncommon litmus test i have (yet to use) in determining whether someone is a romantic or a realist when it comes to amorous relationships is having him tell me what he thinks will happen long after the final credits roll in "eternal sunshine" and "the science of sleep".

are joel and clementine doomed to relive that terrible cycle of meet-fall in love-love is now dead-clementine erases joel-joel does so in return? does that scene on the beach at the end of the movie, where the image gets choppy and continuously rewinds then fast forwards, indicate that they will never live happily ever after? Or does their love ultimately work out?

then i imagine my follow up question is whether or not he'd judge me. that when i'm down or feeling lonely that i watch eternal sunshine and hope that eventually i could love like that.

and what is the fate of Stéphane and Stéphanie? the last twenty minutes aren't very straight forward. does Stéphane see the proofs of love sitting on the bed and is confirmed that Stéphanie does indeed care and so they live happily ever after? or will Stéphane always muddle his reality with lucid dreams and the end sequence is just another made up dream? or worse yet, does Stéphane just straight die from head injury?

quick entry because i have the means and i'm up and on my annual trip to nyc

2007-07-20T06:12:09Z

this vacation to me has been a trip of many firsts. mostly ones that i'm none too proud of but felt like the tao of tammy came into play...and that is hey, i guess trying it once can't hurt.

the harmless firsts have been seeing fireflies and dragonflies, eating peruvian chinese food and cheek kissing a female stranger.

somehow this trip has convinced me that no, i wouldn't enjoy moving out here because i wouldn't neccessarily grow and thrive. but usually i don't do what is logical because i do what is convenient. and the second tao of tammy i will enlighten you with tonight is that following the path of least resistance is exactly that. it is easy because it requires minimal work.

so if the opportunity presents itself, and if it's easy, i'll do it.

and yes, i guess i am a lil homesick even though i couldn't admit it.

freckles_t @ 2007-05-17T21:03:00

2007-05-18T04:42:07Z

last wk i was pretty excited when i saw "after dark" by murikami waiting patiently for me on the library bookshelf. i was relieved that i didn't have to stop by borders after my trip to the library like i had planned to. finished the book pretty quickly but didn't quite enjoy it. i felt the story was too contrived and i didn't like the third person narration of the story. you know it's a bad sign when i'm skipping pages at a time plus i didn't experience any trippy dreams like i normally do after reading murikami's works.

anyway, so i ended up returning the book a few days ago since i noticed that someone had put the book on hold. figured he/she would want to read it asap. i left my email address and a quick note on a post it and slipped it in the book before i returned it. am curious about other fans of his and plus, i was bored.

am now currently juggling three books. s does this and i used to think that was odd and schizo of her to do so. but i guess i'm getting older and my attention span is getting shorter. i also catch myself reading the last few pages of any given book like harry in whms does. not because i think i'm gonna keel over any moment from now, but because of my impatience. meh.

when i opened don delillo's "white noise" yesterday i saw a mr. chau's receipt in it. made me briefly wonder who had read the book before me. it's too bad that the old school way of everyones name who has checked out the book isn't part of the process anymore. on a related note, back in high school i used to get all excited about borrowing textbooks at the beginning of the year. only because i would be hoping a hot upperclassman used to use it. but every time, after scanning the list of names, i'd be disappointed.

not a high fidelity engagement

2007-05-08T06:30:04Z

will be meeting up with arms in a few days over ramen. am mostly excited because of the opportunity to finally (and hopefully) become friends with an ex. not that this was on my life's to-do-list, but more because i'd finally made a bf where i honestly and truly think our friendship would still be good for my well being. am also grateful to be forgiven.

still, i'm wondering if he will fold a chopstick holder for me. wish me luck.

that steve miller song about time puts it best

2007-05-08T05:13:38Z

happy 5 year anniversary LJ!

freckles_t @ 2007-04-30T20:20:00

2007-05-01T05:01:30Z

this month two years ago, an acquaintance told me "but you're tammy teng, you must've found love". i tend to log down things that people tell me whenever i feel the need. usually only the good things cause i tend to remember the bad things without the help of a pen and notebook. i'm secretly hoping that if enough time passes i'll forget the bad.

over time, the acquaintance quickly became a friend and then a good friend and then no more. that is, it started getting awkward and so i bolted. this has been what i believe is the nature of male-female friendships, that there is an undercurrent of different intentions, though mostly harmless, but still existing.

recently i've been wondering if i had been more courageous and kept at the "friendship" if my life would be richer in same way. maybe so. And so, here's to tryin all that so my thought process behind male-female relationships changes.

and 2 years later i have yet to find love.

june 1, 2007

2007-02-08T06:33:02Z

This will be a very interesting movie to watch. wong kar wai bossing around big hollywood stars? i'm sure he can't be up to his usually shenanigans such as filming with no real plot ending in mind and throwing out huge chunks of footage on a whim. oh, and let us not forget the post-poned release dates, so i guess june 1 is very unlikely. oh well, something to look fwd to.

also wondering if he will be obsessed with his usual motifs in this film...yay!

he'll still be playing for me

2007-01-22T08:52:07Z

going to be seeing some joshua trees this april with singer/songwriter. been waiting since junior year in college to go camping at joshua tree national park, came close a few times but the plans never came through. or more like a falling out.

don't know why i've always had the urge to go, it's not like i want to check out the scene and have my ashes scattered there like gram parsons' but ever since j told me about the place i've been itching to go. it looks to me that the flowers will be in bloom and since there's been winter frost an even better chance. am also excited about the opportunity to watch the sunrise. with another.

freckles_t @ 2007-01-10T20:25:00

2007-01-11T05:19:18Z

the thing about the end of holidays is when all the good people leave you and go back to their original location and then you have to check yoself. i caught the postholiday blues. to punctuate it all, today our christmas tree joined the other discarded pines that have done their job.

my mom converted old footage from my 6yr old self up to my 16yr old self onto dvds as a surprise gift for me. watching the dvd titled "tammy's hs life" gave me a cringe sesh. after seeing that dvd i notice myself still acting like that and it causes me to go into hyper conscious mode. in no way am i reverting back to those mannerisms, they just never went away.

arms used to ask me how old do you think you are. in which i had to honestly respond "not a day over 17". too bad i'll be turning 27 next month. i guess it's a blessing to feel like i'm 17 turning 16. must mean life is good.

as for correspondence with arms, that has come to a complete stop. stop, pivot, change directions. however that new direction has slowed down lately too. my fault cause i'm missing one of those think-hard-before-you-speak functions. ok, i gotta stop staring at the blinking cursor.

so there's this awesome singer/songwriter (the best kind) that has graced my life. his name is brett dennen and his songs have made it to my itunes "top 25 most played" in no time. his voice is that of a husky angel's and his lyrics heal my soul. a bomb or a bullet or a pen or a thought or a word or a sentence.

but i know of an even better singer/songwriter who i hope will still play for me.

suburbia mania

2006-10-12T21:38:50Z

the official move in date is tomorrow. i'm gonna be moving a stone's throw away from where i'm at now so travel wise there won't be too much difference. i'm hoping the move will help my social life improve cause i'll be able to throw super raunchy parties.

i guess i'll miss being able to walk to the local grocery store that always has fresh produce and can you believe i even have a semi relationship with the owner? for one moment i feel like i'm living in the east village and going to that shop downstairs at the corner, but then i look around and notice that there are no other pedestrians and there's a strip mall a few blocks away.

where oh where are the tatted up asian boys that want to paint my canvas and read books outside of dan brown? who wants to teach me how to cook pasta al dente and would appreciate an herb garden? who can impersonate mitch hedberg and knows david brent's dance sequence from the office season 2? tell me where.

missing that hormone leptin

2006-10-12T06:18:54Z

my life in short these days is trying to practice some self control in one particular area. that's why i'm failing miserably at everything else. my will power is minimal, just ask my empty fridge and cupboards.

what i really want to write about right now is the one that i had thought had gotten away but i'm too chicken shit to do that. i should be relieved with the fact that hey, now i know better and can stop wondering 'what if'. but i'm not. it's not.

so i guess i can write about what i was doing earlier today. well, i was grading papers. the quiz question was "heat is a form of ________ hint: starts with an E". Some of my students write electricity or electrons however most of them answer correctly. But this one really nerdy, sweet kid's answer is "erection". I know for certain he wasn't trying to be some smartmouth but what the mother...?

--

i am on this binge of reading travel books. some may think they're real howty towty and a waste of time and travel essays are poorly written and plancing but i gobble em up*.

so one of jan morris's work brings up the welsh word hiraeth. an ineffable longing. i guess it's different for each person so i've been trying to figure out what the cause of my longing is. at the core of it all i know it's that need to fill that void i feel the moment i wake up everyday. i also know it's not as simple as finding that speschul someone that i can whisper to even though there is no one else around to hear. i know it's more than that. but then that's as much as i know.

is it something completely crazy? maybe i was born as an identical twin and during that first trimester my future first forever friend got washed away. maybe now i'm only left with that shadow of her and i'm trying to move on. but would i be left with such a strong yearning if i was only 5wks in my mom's womb or so? doubt it.

maybe it has to do with that longing for purity and that original virtue. that blank slate of childhood. like a child in a sandbox in the summertime, watching the birds go by and the leaves dancing and the sun coming through the leaves. untouched yet a part of that all.

*three of the words in this sentence are made up

gravitational pull

2006-09-26T06:01:58Z

this past wkend i've seen things falling left and right.

things i'd typically assume would fall did. the corona bottles standing vulnerably on the pavement while tailgating and the countless fumbles made during the 49ers/Eagles game (the last place you'd expect to find me).

then there were those less expected moments. the middle aged lady who just finished buying her groceries .. i asked if she was okay but she may not have heard me. i had started towards her but had stopped because i wasn't sure if she would want my help. now i feel lame. for some reason i don't know how to respond in those situations. that incident reminded me of this man in a wheelchair i had watched in seattle a lil less than a year ago. arms and i were at an intersection and the light was green indicating we should go. but there was an old man in a wheelchair struggling to cross..i wanted to jump out and help him along but i didn't want to insult him in any way. what if he was prideful? so i sat there while the cars behind us honked.

another unexpected event was at bombay oven. we should've left right when we saw the dozen or so small hairs on the tablecloth but we were too hungry. ten minutes later, my friend notices a cockroach by the window sill. we watched it while it made its way up the wall and struggled across the ceiling.. then right above me the lil guy starts getting wobbly wobbly shakkity shakkity. luckily it landed on the table and scurried underneath my place setting.

people had been dropping things around me that i had helped pick up all wkend too: receipts, money, paper, pencils. i feel as if everyone spread land o' lakes on their fingers before they walked out their front door... this one puts a smile to my face. on saturday i helped this guy pick up a take out menu (?) that fell out of his back pocket... the next day my friend found a missed connection that was posted up on craigslist about this very incident.

too bad he's 19.